The 5000 Fingers of Dr T.

The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T is a neglected, almost unclassifiable oddity. Perhaps best described as a surreal children’s fantasy musical. It’s like Leave it to Beaver crossed with Salvador Dali. Part of what makes this film notable is that it came out in 1953, and the other thing is that it’s the only feature film by Theodor Geisel, better known of course as Doctor Suess. He was responsible for the story, screenplay, lyrics and the look of it. I gather he loathed the finished film, feeling that his vision had been warped beyond recognition, and always disavowed it. But undeniably, the look and dialogue is distinctly Seussian. To my twisted mind, this is a wonderful childrens films and undeniably one of the weirdest major-studio releases of all time. If it was released today people would think it totally bizarre. To think that this played in theatres at the same time as Shane and From Here To Eternity makes it even odder. The film was both a commercial and critical flop, but it has taken on a life of its own as an obscure cult classic. If you’re at all a fan of Doctor Seuss, or if you just like weird but totally good natured movies, you owe it to yourself to track this gem down. Some will love it, and some will hate it.

Ten year old Bart Collins (Tommy Rettig {of Lassie fame}) lives with his widowed mother Heloise (Mary Healy). His mother insists he take piano lessons, something just about any boy his age abhors. All he wants to do is run around with his friends and his dog, play baseball, ride his bicycle. But what makes it worse is that he has to take lessons from the autocratic Mr Terwilliker (Hans Conreid {best known as the voice of Captain Hook, who plays this role with gleeful, campy abandon}). Bart fears that his beloved mother has fallen under his evil spell, and gripes about it to August Zabladowski (Peter Lind Hayes), a plumber working in his house, who doesn’t pay him much heed.

Bart falls asleep at his piano and finds himself in a bizarre place, the Terwilliker Institute, where his autocratic piano teacher is now the mad dictator, Dr T. He’s constructed a massive piano that requires Bart and 499 other enslaved boys to play it. Forced to wear a Happy Fingers beanie, Bart is the first unwilling recruit for the 5000-fingered recital. He finds that his beloved mother has been turned into Dr T./Mr Terwillikers hypnotized secretary and bride-to-be. Soon he’s trying to evade legions of bizarrely dressed guards, the weirdest being Judson and Whitney, Siamese twins connected by a single gray beard who pursue Bart on roller skates. 

He attempts to recruit the help of a reluctant Zabladowski, who is installing sinks at the Institute to prepare for an inspection, but he’s very skeptical. He does however agree to check on Bart’s mom. There he runs into Dr T., who for no apparent reason engages the plumber, whom he’s never laid eyes on before, in a hilarious, totally over the top, dancing duel. 

Bart discovers that the pretentious martinet Dr T. has issued an order to have the plumber disintegrated at dawn.

Continuing his flight, Bart comes across a dungeon where all the non piano playing musicians are kept. Dr T. had described them as “scratchy violins, screechy piccolos, nauseating trumpets, et cetera, et cetera.” At this point comes quite possibly the films most remarkable sequence — The Dungeon of Scratchy Violins – featuring an assembly of green-skinned prisoners performing on outlandish instruments.

Bart finally convinces Zabladowski by showing him the execution order. They prick their thumbs and engage in a blood pact,  getting him to recite the Boy Scouts’ pledge. However they’re caught by Dr T.’s guards, and imprisoned in a cage. The two of them empty their pockets and devise a sound absorbing potion/contraption, the Music-Fix, with which to wreck the mega-piano’s opening recital. The totally spun scene of Dr T. being dressed in his elaborate “Do-Mi-Do Duds” is quite something. I think Liberace would have found it a lot over the top. (Almost wonder if it wasn’t the inspiration for See My Vest on the Simpsons) As the boys are about to begin their recital, Bart deploys his secret weapon which ruins all of Dr T.’s carefully hatched plans. The enslaved boys, led by Bart, celebrate by cheerfully running riot, pounding out a discordant version of “Chopsticks” with their hands and feet. Save for one tearful boy who still wants to play “Ten Happy Fingers”.  Zabladowski had warned that it may be “VERY atomic” and the noise-sucker bursts in spectacular fashion, sending forth smoke, sparks, and explosions.

Bart wakes at his piano, and it’s implied that perhaps it wasn’t just a dream. He and Zabladowski still have bandages on their thumbs from their blood pact. At the movies conclusion, Mr. Zabladowski, who clearly is a surrogate father figure, finally notices Heloise, (in real life Healy and Hayes were married and almost always worked as a duo), and offers to drive her into town in his jeep. Bart runs outside with his dog and a baseball and mitt, an almost Norman Rockwellian image of American normalcy.

Completely campy and crazy, I still find this a totally fun movie. Worth checking out some time.