Words of Wisdom from a 4 Year Old - Drunkenness

He has a neighbour who seems to be almost perpetually soused.

When asked what it means to be drunk, he replied “It’s when the police take away your car keys.”

Well, sadly, they sometimes only take away your car keys when it’s too late, but that is sometimes the gist of it, yes.

Words of Wisdom from a 4 Year Old – Marriage

My nephew has a tendency to, uhm, excavate the contents of his nasal cavity, and then place what he extracts in his, uhm oral passage. (Gawd, when he reads this years from now, he’ll be mortified. Sorry buddy.)

Now he really likes the girls and the girls all seem to really like him. 

“You know, I reckon the girls might not be so impressed when they see you do that.” I hoped that pointing this out to him might get him to stop that vile practice.

“So what you’re saying is that I might end up like you and not have a wife?” I look over at him and he’s got the biggest ‘haha I got you look’ on his face.

{Why you little..........}

“I don’t consume nose goblins, so clearly that has nothing to do with it.” I can’t recall for sure, but I probably gave him a noogie right after. Just for being such an impertinent little whippersnapper.

Words of Wisdom from a 4 Year Old – Life and Death

Kali was getting old. She was 16 and sadly, deteriorating rapidly. Andrew sat Anand down and tried to gently break to him the fact that she likely wouldn’t be around that much longer. He told him how sometimes when cats got old they went to the veterinarian and while they were there, they fell asleep and didn’t wake up. He seemed to understand, and didn’t seem too terribly upset.

I was over there later that evening for dinner.
“Mommy,” he announced with some gravity. “Kali is gonna go for a slumber party at the vegetarians house. She’s gonna stay there for quite a while. There’s other cats there too.”

I quickly chomped down on my cheek, and also stuffed my knuckle between my teeth in an effort to prevent bursting into peels of laughter. I could see his parents also struggling to keep a straight face. I had to stand up and walk into the back room, hands clamped over my mouth so I could laugh as silently as possible.

I guess at day care he had learned about the concept of a slumber party, where you go to someone’s house to have a sleep over, and guess he somehow figured it was kind of like that.

And who knows, maybe he’s absolutely right. Maybe she really would go to a giant feline slumber party, where a benevolent vegetarian would act as host and benefactor. I kinda hope so.

Words of Wisdom from a 4 Year Old – Obeying the Rules

I needed to go to the grocery store for something. Just as I walked out I saw Anand and his mom go by in the car. I walked over to their place to say hi. He was very excited about something and was happily prattling away, trying to climb the steps to his porch backwards as he talked.

“Hold on a sec buddy. Stop, turn around, climb the stairs, then turn around and we’ll keep talking, okay? What you’re doing is a bit dangerous and you might stumble and hurt yourself. There we go.”

He climbed the four steps, turned around and kept on excitedly telling me about his day.

The closing time of the groceteria was rapidly approaching so I bade goodbye and took off running. Now, I have 40 years experience crossing roads, not to mention a pretty unique perspective on things and I can easily ascertain if there is any traffic coming.

I hear later that “Anand mentioned ‘Uncle Thomas not look both ways’.”

“Bloody hell.”

“Well you’re a role model now.”

“Oh geez. Me as a role model. That’s a good one.”

“It’s true. He looks up to you and emulates you. I explained to him that you can see things easily and you’re very experienced. But just remember, he’s pretty observant and notices a lot.”

Two days later I’m over there having dinner. We hang out, probably play Playmobil or something, and eventually the time arrives for him to go upstairs for a bath and to go to bed. (Now, a few days earlier his dad and I had had a discussion about shaving with a razor. For many years I had used an electric razor but had recently switched over to a regular old fashioned razor. I don’t know why it took me so long as it’s just a faster, smoother shave. He had mentioned the brand that he used, and said he’d give me one to try out.)

Anand calls me from the top of the stairs.

“Uncle Thomas, I have something for you.”

I walk to the top of the stairs, where he hands me one of the razors. He keeps babbling on for a bit, as I slowly start to descend the stairs, one foot behind myself, then another foot behind myself.

His happy expression suddenly changes to a very serious one.

“Uncle Thomas, you’re not walking down the stairs the right way! You need to turn around and walk down the stairs the right way! You could fall and hurt yourself.”

I can hear his mom and dad both trying to suppress laughter. I struggle to maintain a straight face.

”Yes Anand, you’re absolutely right. I appreciate you looking out for me buddy.”

I was going to say something about do as I say, not as I do, but I realized that he was kind of had me. I was doing the very thing that I was admonishing him about only days earlier. Sigh. Bloody little whippersnapper.

Words of Wisdom From a 4 Year Old – Winning and Losing

Anand had gotten some of those goofy Yu-Gi-Oh cards. I don’t think he had any real grasp of what to do with them, but he asked if I wanted to play a game.

Sure.

He laid down some cards, looked at them a bit, laid down some more cards, looked at them for a moment and then pronounced:

“Okay, you’ve lost.”

“I’ve lost?! Well… what are the rules of this game?”

“Well, the rules of this game are that you’re gonna lose. It’s called “You Will Lose.”

“ ‘You Will Lose’ ? Well… what fun is that? Why would I want to play a game if I know right from the start that there is no chance of winning? That’s not very fun.”

“Because winning isn’t everything Uncle Thomas” Anand announces pedantically with a mischievous smile.

I burst into laughter. 

Just the week before I had tried to explain to him the concept that the enjoyment of an activity is often just the participating in it, that emerging victorious isn’t really the most important aspect of it. I never anticipated I’d have the meaning of those words twisted up and tossed in my face by a precocious little kid.

Words of Wisdom from a 4 Year Old – Women

When Anand was still four, I went to the local groceteria with him and his dad. Any other time I’ve been there with him, it seems like all the lasses that work there know him, and greet him by name. He’s a cute, personable kid with blue eyes, long eyelashes and a mop of red curly hair, and a totally outgoing charmer, so no big surprise there.

One of them is named Yasmine, who’s 16, 17, 18, who lives one street over and seems to know him fairly well. I’m standing nearby so I overhear her inviting him to come swimming in their pool.

“Do you know what your number is? I’ll call you and can come over with your mom or dad.”

“No, I don’t know what my telephone number is.”

“Well I’ll give you mine. Then you can call and tell me what yours is.”
As we walk out, Anand proudly clutching the paper with her name and number on it, Andrew and I are trying really hard not to crack up. Wow, the kid is four years old and he’s already got cuties giving him their number.
Unreal.

So Andrew and I start, kind of half jokingly talking to him about girls.
Andrew: “Okay now you don’t want to call her up straight away. Be a little bit coy. Give it a day or so before you call. You don’t want to appear too anxious.”

Me: “And they like it when you tell them they look nice. They always do look nice, but they appreciate you noticing.”
Andrew: “And when you’re talking to a gal, don’t just talk about yourself. Let her talk. Ask her some things that let her talk about herself.”
Me: “And when they come home from the hairdresser, always make sure to compliment them.”
Andrew: “And most importantly, if a woman ever asks ‘do these jeans’…”
Me: “…or skirt…”
Andrew: “ ‘…make my bum look too big?’ it’s really important that you say NO!”

Then Anand, with the innocence and naivete that only a four year is capable of, says:

“But daddy, what if her bum is too big?”

I thought I was going to choke I was laughing so hard.
Andrew: “Honesty is a good trait, but when it comes to women, sometimes you have to be diplomatic and tell them what they want to hear.”
Anand: “But daddy it’s not good to lie.”
Andrew: “That’s very true, but when it comes to a woman you love, it’s okay to tell a little fib when it comes to her bum. They’re a bit weird that way.”
Anand: “Girls are confusing.”
Even more laughter.
Me: “Yes. They can be.”
Andrew: “Yes, but you’ll love them anyway.”